The Wedding
by onequartercanadian
Summary: Set 2 weeks before Barney's wedding and Ted's a little bitter. !FOR SEQUEL SEE THE MARRIAGE!
1. Chapter 1

Ted, Lily, and Marshall were shopping for a wedding present for Barney and Robin when Ted says

"How about this, it shoots out condoms."

"Stop trying to be witty and let's get them something that isn't a gag gift." Said a peeved Lily

"The sad part is I think that they'd actually use that." Said Marshall

"I know your jealous and pisted-" Lily started

"I'm not, I wish them a lifetime of happiness." Ted said sincerely

"Oh, that actually really sweet" Said Lily happily

"_But"_ said Marshall

"I've been looking for my future wife for the better part of a decade and he gets married within a year of dating!" Continued Ted, Lily tried to interrupt but Ted continued "He hated marriage for years then all of a sudden it's, I'm going to get married." He said mockingly, Lily tried again and Ted continued "Ass."

"Barney grew up, you gotta face it" Said Lily with the cold, hard, truth.

"What is this?" Marshall said playing the strange contraption that sort of looks like it came out of a _SAW_ movie.

"You have to give a good gift, make a good toast, and most importantly, give him a great bachelor party." Lily said

"Fuck, I haven't even started that yet." Ted said

"The wedding's in two weeks." Lily said

"God I dodged a bullet." Said a relieved Marshall

"You have to do something awesome to make up for the way you reacted when they told us." Lily said

"_Lily_" Ted said trying to make her shut up.

"You thought they were kidding!" Lily said pisted off, "Let's reminisce shall we" Lily finished

"No Lily" Ted trying to make her shut up

"So Barney and Robin walk into the bar…"

Barney and Robin walk into the bar but don't sit down

"We have some pretty awesome news" said Barney

"What?" asked Lily

"We're getting married!" said Robin happily

Ted broke out in laughter "You guys, seriously!"

"Ted!" Lily said sternly trying to get him to shut up. That didn't stop Ted,

"Like really, you two! He can't commit to a plant, and you want him to commit marriage!"

"TED!" Lily said again; but Ted kept on going

"And you" he said pointing to Robin, "You never wanted to marry because of your job and stuff!"

"TED!" Lily said for a final time and Robin puts her ring hand right near his face.

He stops his rant and said impressed "Wow, that's a really nice ring for a bit." Then it hit him like a ton of bricks, his eyes traveled up and he said mortified "This isn't a bit is it?" Barney and Robin shook their heads no. "Fuck." Ted muttered mortified and looked down with shame and embarrassment.


	2. Chapter 2

"Come on kids, your Dad's here!" Ted says trying to corral the three children from the upstairs of house

"Hey how were they?" Barney asked

"They were great!" Ted said

Barney took Ted to the side and said "How was that girl I set you up with?"

"No, we didn't have sex and no she and I have no future together." Ted said

"You're so picky." Barney remarked

"No I'm not" said Ted trying to defend himself

"That's why you're almost forty and still single." Barney said and led his kids out.

Ted woke up terrified and sweaty looking around to see if everything was okay. Then he had a relieved sigh, through on some sneakers and headed to the bar still thinking about his dream. When he got there he saw Barney across the bar, he went up to him and said

"Hey." He then asked "Wedding night jitters?"

"Kind of," Barney started holding his drink "I'm not as nervous as I previously thought."

"It's okay, you'll get married and you'll be happy," Ted stared into the distance with his drink in hand "You'll be happy because you've found somebody who loves you unconditionally,"

"You'll find her," Barney said and put his hand on Ted's shoulder

xxx

Ted said "I heard the groom needed me."

Barney turned around and asked "What do you think of this tie?"

"It's great." Ted replied

"Still not that nervous?" Ted asked

"Yah," Barney replied

**Future Ted: "I knew he was lying, he looked scared shitless, but happy and a little excited, everyone's scared on their wedding day."**

"Hey!" Marshall said as he came in with a medium sized wrapped box

"What's that?" Barney asked

"Just a little something that I though you should have." Marshall said and gave Barney the box and he opened it

"No, no, NOOOOOOOOO!" He said with fear as he looked down at the slap countdown timer.

Ted thought _"Great, if he wasn't already scared."_

The timer said three hours until a slap will occur

"Congrats!" Marshall said and left

xxxxx

_A slap will occur in two hours and fifteen minutes_

At the ceremony, Robin looked captivating with her not puffy, long, chic, white dress decorated with diamonds and cream trim with matching veil as she started her journey down the aisle. The only thing that mattered to her was the man waiting for her at the other side of the aisle. Ted took a look at Barney who anxiously awaited for his bride. Ted noted that Barney couldn't have looked happier. Ted stood there with a huge smile on his face because he knew that both of his friends were going to be happy. They said their vows and shared a long passionate kiss.

_A slap will occur in one hour and twenty five minutes_

At the reception when it was time for Ted's toast. Ted stood up and got everyone's attention, and Ted looked down at his speech, then he glanced at Barney and thinking of the social repercussions to a few of the jokes in his speech, he put the piece of paper back into his pocket and just started to wing it.

"All this time I was looking for love. I've found out that love isn't something you find, it's something that finds you. It captivates you and transforms you into a person that you aren't, because you never thought you could be so truly happy. I was a little bitter when I found out that" and he looks at Barney "_My best friend _was getting married, well first I thought that it was a joke, which by the way I'm so truly sorry for. I was bitter because I haven't found love yet, well not true love, but all that bitterness was washed away when I saw Barney's face as he saw his bride walk down the aisle. I've never saw him so happy; and I wish him a lifetime of moments like that, a lifetime of happiness." Ted raised his glass "A toast to the newlyweds!"

_A slap will occur in eight minutes_

_You can dance with the guy who gives the eye let him hold you tight. You can smile, every smile for the man who held you hand neath the pale moon light._

Lily and Marshal were dancing

"I remember when we were newlyweds" Lily said _But don't forget who's takin' you home and whose arms you're gonna be. So darlin', save the last dance for me_

"Yah, I remember Barney marrying us." Marshall said _Oh I know, that the music's fine like sparklin' wine go and have your fun. Laugh and sing, but while we're apart don't give your heart to anyone_

Barney and Robin were dancing

"That bartender's pretty hot" Barney joked _But don't forget who's takin' you home and in whose arms you gonna be. So darlin', save the last dance for me_

"I'm the only woman you're touching from now on." Robin said _Baby don't you know I love you so, Can't you feel it when we touch_

"I'm perfectly fine with that." Barney said satisfied _I will never ever let you go, I love you oh so much. You can dance till the night is gone and it's time to go. If he asks if your all alone can he walk you home you must tell him no. Cause don't forget who's taking you home and who's arms you're gonna be, save the dance for me._

Ted was sitting at a table alone drinking some scotch when a woman sat down and Ted remarked

"Nice yellow umbrella" _ Oh I know that the music's fine like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun._

"Don't be sarcastic, I actually needed this umbrella." She joked _Laugh and sing but while were apart don't you give your heart to anyone_

Ted introduced himself "Ted"

"Tracy" She introduced _And don't forget who's takin' you home and whose arms you gonna be so daring, save the last dance for me._

"Nice speech by the way. You must be good at adlibbing." Tracy remarked

"Was it obvious?" Ted asked

"Kind of." Tracy said _So don't forget who's taking you home or whose arms you're gonna be_

"Are you his brother?" She asked

"No, his best friend, his brother's over there with that white guy and the little boy."

"But he's black." Tracy said confused _So darling save the last dance for me_

"I know." Ted said

"I'm his sister by the way" Tracey said

"Oh, dad's side?" he asked

"Yah." She said _Oh baby won't you save, the last for me. Oh baby won't you promise that you'll save the last dance for me. Save the last dance, the very last dance, for me._

**Future Ted: "Kids, that's how I met your mother."**

Marshall walked over to Barney _ A slap will occur in five, four, three, two, one,_

**Future Ted: "All weddings aren't perfect, something always goes wrong."**

Marshall slapped Barney so hard he fell back first into the uncut cake and breaking the table it was sitting on.

"That's five!" Marshall exclaimed holding up five fingers and looking around to everyone that gathered around and Barney groaned and holding his hurt face. As the Robin and Ted helped him and and started to get some of the cake off him four women came in and one yelled and pointed at Barney

"That's him! Get him!" And they started to attack him and Robin, Ted, Marshall, and Lily tried to fight them off. The women started to throw cake and the gang threw some back and an all-out brawl food fight started

**Future Ted: "Kids, never sleep with a ton of people, especially women, because they will want to hurt you."**

**xxxxxx**

"Save the Last Dance for Me" - Michael Buble

I have two more ideas for this story then I want to focus on my other story "Fate". Please check it out and review it!


	3. Chapter 3

Barney walked into the bar and sat down with Marshall and Ted

"Robin pissed at me."

"Why?" asked Marshall

"I don't know." Barney said

"_Oh_, it's one of _those_." Said Marshall

Barney and Marshall both mocked in unison "If you don't know then I'm certainly not going to tell you." And Ted just sat there in his unmarried lonesome.

Yesterday

Lily was making the bed in the morning while Marshall was getting a very elegant breakfast ready. Lily picked up a small blanket and when she put in on the bed she noticed a white spot near the corner. She examined it closely, came to her conclusion, angrily picked up the blanket and stormed into the kitchen.

"I made you Cheerios!" Her husband said with glee

"Why did you masturbate on my late-grandmother's favorite blanket!" She said with much anger

"I wouldn't dare do that!" said Marshall "I would never use a blanket." He muttered and put the two bowls of Cheerios on the table.

"Well then who would?" asked an angry Lily

Then the both looked at each other and exclaimed "Barney!"

Lily called Robin to ask if Barney was home, he wasn't, so she told her and Robin was furious and embarrassed.

Back at the bar the next day

"Think back to stuff you said, didn't say, should've said, shouldn't have said, did, didn't do, should've done, and shouldn't have done." Said Marshall

"She said she got a call from Lily and that's all she'd let me know." Barney informed

"_Oh_. I know what it is." Said Marshall

"What!" asked Barney eagerly

But before he could say the wives came in and sat down, both giving Barney a very pissed off look. Barney just looked confused

"Think of it yet?" said a snarky Robin

"What did I do?" Asked her very curious husband

"This!" said a pissed Lily, she then put the blanket on the table and pointed to the stain

"What's that?" Barney asked

"You're little guys in top hats!" said his snide wife

"I wouldn't do that on there!" Barney said trying to defend himself

"You had opportunity and given that your you…" Robin started

"You seriously think that I would do that!" Barney exclaimed

"Yah, you would!" She said and gave him a very pissed off look and left with Lily who called

"Come on Marshall!" and he came and left with them

Ted first thought that he wanted a wife to be made at him. Then he thought that he could hit Barney with this where it hurts. He started to give a stone-faced Barney a very big satisfied smile and Barney stayed stone-faced and Ted knew Barney was mad and Barney knew what Ted was thinking and Ted knew and so he picked up his phone and called Tracy.

"Hey! Wanna come over to my place. I just got a new movie I thought we could a nice, cozy, romantic, day in." He said over the phone "Great! See ya then!" and hung up

Barney's stone-faced look turned to be pissed and Ted just kept the satisfied smile and Barney stormed out, and Ted started to chuckle.

Later that day

"I can't believe he did that." Said Robin as she paced in front of Lily's couch rubbing her hand on the side of her neck

"Me neither. He had crossed the line." Agreed Lily

"Why did I even marry that asshole ion the first place?" wondered Robin

"All married people think that from time to time." Lily informed her

"I don't know what to do." Robin said

"You'll eventually forgive him and everything will be fine." Her friend reassured her

"I'm so angry and embarrassed I can't even bare the sight of him." Robin said

Lily looked at the time and said "Hey, I have to take the blanket to the cleaners before they close. Maybe it'll help that the evidence isn't there anymore." Lily said trying to be helpful "Plus I want a clean blanket instead of one that's a biohazard." She muttered

"See ya." Said Robin as she went to the door

"Where you going?" Lily asked

"To get a drink." Her friend informed

And Lily went to get the blanket cleaned.

At the cleaners

Lily walked in dropped it on the table in shame and asked "When will it be done."

"Depends on the kind of stain." Said the African American girl behind the desk reading a magazine

"It doesn't really matter. Just clean it and call me when it's ready bye!" She said and charged for the door

"Hold it!" The girl shouted "You should know by now that you pay me first for the degree of stain, then it gets clean." She said

"Oh, yah forgot." Lily said still ashamed and embarrassed

So the girl started to examine the blanket while Lily stared at her mortified and when she came to the stain she said "Okay, for a simple yogurt stain and the small size of this blanket that will be $9.67 including tax."

"Wait, that's not yogurt!" said Lily and grabbed the blanket

"Yah, vanilla yogurt. Stale, vanilla yogurt." Said the girl

"No, that can't be it! I caused serious problems in my friend's marriage because of this. It has to be sperm!" Lily proclaimed

"Girl I know my stains! This is not of your friend's husband's junk! This is stale vanilla yogurt." Said the sassy girl

"Take it. I have to go beg for some apologies." Lily said, left the money on the desk and walked out in shame

XXX

Lily came into the bar and said to Barney

"I'm sorry"

"For what?" Barney asked

"The stain" Lily said

"The stain that I didn't put there." Said Barney

"Yah, that one." Said Lily

"Why are you apologizing?" asked Robin confused

"Well, I took the blanket to the cleaners and I found out it was really, stale vanilla yogurt." Lily admitted

"Haha, so this proves I didn't do it!" Said a satisfied Barney

"Yah, so sorry I blamed you." Apologized Lily

"I'm so so so sorry I blamed you." Said robin and gave him a seductive smile

"Then who spilled the yogurt?" asked Ted

"Oh, I did." Said Marshall

"When where you eating yogurt in bed?" asked his confused wife

"That time you were watching TV late at night and I went to bed early." Explained Marshall

"Is this all water under the bridge?" asked robin looking at her hubby

"yah." Said Barney and the two shared a passionate kiss


	4. Chapter 4

Barney sat on Ted's couch on his laptop and Ted came by with a beer in his hand and asked

"Wow that is explicit dialogue. You do know you can't do that cause you're married. Who's Maddie14?"

"That's Robin; and yes, I do know that." Barney said typing away

"How do you know?" Ted asked and took a sip of his beer

"That's her favorite baby name." Barney informed causally

Ted spat out his beer in surprise and exclaimed "WHAT!" then realizing what he had said he said "I mean, oh."

"Her sister's having a baby. That's how it came up." Barney said amused at Ted's reaction.

"Oh thank God!" Ted said and held his chest "I mean. Good for her!"

Meanwhile at Lily and Marshall's apartment

Lily came by the couch and saw Robin on the computer and said

"Wow that is explicit dialogue. You do know you can't do that cause you're married."

"Don't worry. It's only Barney."

"How do you know?" Asked Lily

"See that right there" Robin said and pointed to a part of their conversation "Only Barney does that."

"Wow, that's, exotic, how do you do that?" She wondered "You should test him." Lily said

"How?" asked Robin intrigued

"Ask him to coffee or something," Lily said "if he says yes than when you both get home you can sock him in the balls. It's a win win. If he says no you you get the satisfaction of having a non-playboy husband. If he says yes then you get to sock him," she continued then added "which I always wanted to do."

"You know what, I'll do it." Said Robin determined

A few minutes later

"Oh dear God, he accepted it." Robin said surprised

"What if he knows it's you and he's just playing you." Lily said trying to comfort her friend

"I've made sure he didn't." then an idea hit her "What if we both show up; but he doesn't know it's me." Robin said

A few hours later

Barney arrived at the coffee shop and started looking for Robin. Then a short hared blonde ran up to him, gave him and hug and said "Oh JoeBlow843."

Barney tried to back away and said with his voice shaking "A, I think that you have the wrong man."

"No, you're JoeBlow843 right?" She said innocently and clung all over him.

"Yah, but you weren't who I was expecting." Barney said freaked out stilling trying to get from her grip

"Well who were you expecting?" she asked seductively feeling him all over.

"Well I was I was I was expecting-" Barney was interrupted when she said

"I'm an acrobat that does yoga. We could have the best night of our lives." She said and started to loosen his tie and unbutton his shirt

"Auuuu," He said trying not to give into temptation and still trying a little bit to evade her grasp, "I can't I can't" his voice still shaking

"Why not?" she asked still seductively

"I'm married!" he said and waved his ring hand in front of her and ran off. He then got a text to go to the same coffee shop he was just at. He turned around, walked back, and saw Robin sitting there with a huge smile on her face twirling a wig between her fingers.

Fin.

I might add a last chapter. If I find time.


End file.
